“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.