First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.