me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
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I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Canada has crack?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE