me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit