I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
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This fish is cracking me up
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?