PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’