No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
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Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?