I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
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I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Eat…
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo