[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends