I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.