i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Hard not to take this personally
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I love it all
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Morning my dudes.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)