Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
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Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
love it when they get my name right
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.