Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
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ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.