I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
DOOO EEEET
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection