Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
You Might Also Like
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.