*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.