Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
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I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
DOOO EEEET
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.