My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .