Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
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*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I feel it
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
🖤✌🏽
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes