Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
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Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.