37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
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As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
haha same
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Go girl power!
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!