axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.