i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
You Might Also Like
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry