Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
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The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: