technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
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We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
wish me luck lads
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
The biggest mystery of our time
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?