Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Thursday
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.