[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
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I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Worst Native American name ever.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet