I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
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Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.