The French cow says MEUX…
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It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
looks legit
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.