Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.