I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Sniffing the broccoli
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I know this now 😂
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no