Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
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One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.