My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work