One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence