Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.