The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
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Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.