When your best mate counts as a desk too
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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
This could be us… but you playing
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…