Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.