Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
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*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.