DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.