I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
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Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure