I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
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Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first