“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Friends that check up on you >
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath