Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay