Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?