[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale