The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
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don’t we all
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Seems kinda suspicious
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.