media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
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Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again