I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Every house has this drawer
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down