2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
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Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
United Steaks of America
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.